2003-02-08 - 7:39 p.m.
Okay, don�t fall off of your chairs because I�m finally posting, and be prepared for this to be a rambler. You�ve entered my demesne with all of this pensive discussion, and I feel the need to join in. And I�m learning to conquer the need to wait until I have the perfect thing to say in the perfect way before I post�
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Purpose and meaning. What a great topic. I�ve spent the better part of the last year dwelling on the topic myself. I think I�ve resolved to myself that life in general doesn�t have to have a point, meaning that I feel like I can ditch the quest for the meaning of life in a global sense. But I�ve always, and I mean always, felt the need to know that when my light goes out my life will have meant something. What I want that meaning to have been, I�m not sure yet. That�s the big question.
See, when I was still an active duty Marine, there was no question to me that I was doing something important, something that mattered. Now it�s not as clear to me. I�ve had some brilliant successes in my life (like making staff sergeant in 7 years when the average time to get there was 12). And I�ve had some dazzling failures (like having gone through two divorces before I was 32 years old). But it seems like now, in my current state, everything has a dollar sign attached to it. And that�s not really what I want to be remembered for.
I guess it�s been a year of taking personal inventory and looking at how I want to spend the {gulp} remaining portion of my life. Sometimes I still see myself as a 25 year old golden-haired invincible water-walker, but then other times when I�m actually around someone who�s 20-25 I�m shocked to notice (and slightly annoyed to be forced to acknowledge) how far removed I am from that. Last year I threw myself into my job more fully that I realized, maybe in part as an escape from contemplation. We just went through a budgeting exercise for this year�s budget, and as I pulled out all of my expense reports to summarize them as a basis for funding this year, I was appalled to note that my stack of expense reports for last year was as big as the previous two years combined. And yet I move from pursuing one sales opportunity to another with no overarching goal or long term plan for myself. At the end of the day, what does it mean (and what�s it really worth) that I spent 75 hours last week and pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday night to close yet another million dollar deal? I have vowed to spend my time better this year so that I can recapture some of my personal life to spend as I see fit. But as far as having any clue on where I want to be in xx years, well that�s still in the development phase.
To those with no reason to understand otherwise, I usually describe my military position in intelligence in terms of having been a professional devil�s advocate � my job was to know the �other side� and poke holes in operation plans to make sure that potential threats were appropriately addressed. That skill has come in very handy in my current role, where I have to be prepared to address competitive issues for bids (ie. where will our competition price their bid? What solution are they likely to propose based on the requirements? What business need does our bid address that they are likely to miss? How can we differentiate our bid from theirs? etc.). But let me be the first one to tell you that the same skill is a real bitch when turned on yourself (where did I make my mistakes and how can I avoid making them again? Do I have enough time left to fully recover from them?).
Despite everything you know about me, about how I can be loud, about how much I love to laugh from my toes, about how I love to engage in good conversation, and everything else external, I am at heart an introvert. When I am drained, I recharge best when I�m alone. But I think I�ve spent too much time in the recent past giving too much of my energy to an excessive number of the wrong things. During the week, I�m on the phone constantly (my cell phone base plan is 2500 minutes, and I always use at least that) and/or talking/visiting/working with clients/sales reps, and I�ve allowed that on too many occasions to drain me to the red line, meaning that I come home from work and don�t want to talk on the phone or be around many people because I�m just plain beat. So I haven�t been around as much as I would like to have been, and that�s already starting to change. I know that I have been more fortunate than I deserve to have been in that I have friends who haven�t let me just disappear, friends who keep me on their diaryland buddy list even though I haven�t updated since last May and who rib me when they see me about never updating (I love you all for it, too). Lost Cause was one of the things that helped keep me sane, but even then toward the end of the year I was on the road too much to make many Thursdays, and I�m working on fixing that as well. I need to learn to make time for more fun times, like our Thanksgiving trips. I mean, who the hell else besides us would even think of doing something like this???????
It�s been a pensive, introspective year for me. If you really, and I mean really, want to get to know me �where I live� and understand where I�m coming from, pop in the Linkin Park �Reanimation� CD and listen to it a hundred times or so. I have. And the lyrics still chill me.
"The sane lose not knowing they were part of the game
And while the insides change
The box stays the same and the figure inside could bear anybody�s name
The memories I keep are from a time like then
I put on my paper so I could come back to them
Someday I�m hoping to close my eyes and pretend
That this crumpled up paper can be perfect again"
-----frgt/10
And that�s about all I have to say today. I make no promises about when I�ll update next, just that I will.
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Luv to my peeps!
Q
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